Depression… it’s a bitch.

It’s not sadness, it’s an emptiness, lack of enthusiasm (what’s the point) bullshit, adverse to doing anything to make it better. Wanting to tell the world, it’s a trap. Not interested in struggling, with my physical manifestations absent, I hope to wake up different. I’m annoyed with myself. Actively bored with myself. Waiting it out. Not wanting to interact. Then saying something requires responding, which I really don’t want to do. So what is this?? A message in a bottle?

Bed is a sanctuary, an island, a vacation from dealing with intangible eventualities. It is depression’s nature (yes a personification) to be this way, it’s important I don’t forget. That it’s also my nature, that can be so frustrating to people around me, although I don’t really care in this moment, which undoubtedly morphs into remorse.

I wasn’t going to post this, but maybe it’s important to share what this is like. To articulate… I often write things and not share it. It’s a tactic to not getting myself in trouble on social media. I tend to have momentary emotionally driven XYZ. But this isn’t directed at anyone, so perhaps an appropriate dissection. There is no secret I have bipolar disorder.

I don’t like people thinking of me as less capable, the look on someone’s face, acknowledgment of being ‘special’ makes me want to run circles around them, pummel them with insight, drop my body of creative work at their feet and ask “what have you done with your life?” In truth, wishing I could trade my gifts for… something I could never have. I’ve come to terms (more or less) that I am different than most. Depending on my state of mind, that could be a good thing.

I have names for the aspects of my personality I don’t like. Brad and Vic. When I’m in a mood, I can indulge it, which prolongs the phase. Brad is a bitch, who complains and deprecates himself. Sometimes I can be irritable. And Vic is a dick that starts arguments and wants to destroy what I’ve built. Neither is good company. When Brad and Vic get together, I can be a real asshole, so I try not to expose anyone to that part of me.

So I wait until it’s over, until I can interact with other humans. For right now, I’m going to continue to hang with Vic, that’s a dick and Brad, who’s a bitch. At least until I can get them to fucking leave.

The Matinée: White Lighters Reunion Show In The Garden

On Saturday, August 29th, from 2 to 9pm, bands will be performing an all-ages show at The Hercules Garden. It is a community garden in Bushwick that was transformed from a vacant lot filled with garbage to a hot-bed of growth, not just in vegetation, but in communion. Located at 87A Cooper Street, Brooklyn, NY 11207.

The bands taking the stage are Necrotic Society, WildKunz, Maru Tao, Bowhead, Cursed Images and White Lighters. The show was organized by Adam Kautz, drummer for White Lighters, which will be a reunion for the band.

While much of the world is under quarantine, we suffer from a lack of connection, that is essential to the human experience. What better way to remedy the vacancy, than to share food, give back to the neighborhood and offer a location to safely congregate for outdoor events.

Wearing masks and practicing social distancing is strongly encouraged. While the show is free, there is a suggested donation of supplies including bug spray, lighter fluid, toilet paper, hand-sanitizer, trash bags, bleach, masks or paper towels. These go towards maintaining the essentials of the space.

Other events and gatherings take place, including an Open Mic hosted by Dan Victor every Sunday from 5 to 8pm. Wellness Wednesday occurs weekly to promote health and well-being, offering horticultural demos, self-defense, Reiki and Yoga classes. For more info about The Hercules Garden events, visit their Instagram. See below for more about the bands.

Necrotic Society Bandcamp | Facebook | Instagram

Bowhead Bandcamp | Facebook | Instagram

White Lighters Bandcamp | Facebook | Instagram

NYC is the Best Model

You need to love where you live. And you know what they say about NYC, if you can make it here, then you’re good. Bushwick is my home, but the city is where I reside. I have always documented my life and creations. Instagram has become a great outlet to share those photos of my journey. It’s a chance to really connect with an audience that actually wants to see your art. Whenever I have a moment that offers a new perspective on my life, I once again become conscious of the fact I’m living in New York City. I have found people crave to experience the unique flavor that being here provides.

Then I get to thinking. It brings up memories of when I was in high school, I dreamt of living in The Village. I wanted to go to a school where I could compete in a stimulating, creative environment. At the time, all I knew about the city was Washington Square Park and Alamo, the giant cube you can spin on Astor Place. It was close the to the NJ PATH train. Being from New Jersey, it was all I knew.

I applied to Parsons New School because I believed it would be the place I could find myself. The city would give me an endless supply of inspiration. I ended up going to Kutztown University, all the way in Pennsylvania, almost the opposite direction, but I never regretted my decision. Things happen in their own time. I have no loans and I lucked out with terrific professors. The piers I studied with were very talented and offered the kind of artistic competition I desired. For me, it set the standard which still guides me today. But I always wondered, “What if I had?”.

After jumping around the country, Philadelphia to San Diego, I came back east to my roots. The city called me, and I started building. Moved to Brooklyn in 2006 and met so many interesting people along the way. Creating, especially your life, is a never ending process. It is also a precious gift. After 13 years, I definitively consider myself a New Yorker.

I am sharing a few of my Instagram posts of places I have photographed in the city. Perhaps it will motivate you to follow your dreams or come to the conclusion NYC is the only place for you to be.

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