Depression… it’s a bitch.

It’s not sadness, it’s an emptiness, lack of enthusiasm (what’s the point) bullshit, adverse to doing anything to make it better. Wanting to tell the world, it’s a trap. Not interested in struggling, with my physical manifestations absent, I hope to wake up different. I’m annoyed with myself. Actively bored with myself. Waiting it out. Not wanting to interact. Then saying something requires responding, which I really don’t want to do. So what is this?? A message in a bottle?

Bed is a sanctuary, an island, a vacation from dealing with intangible eventualities. It is depression’s nature (yes a personification) to be this way, it’s important I don’t forget. That it’s also my nature, that can be so frustrating to people around me, although I don’t really care in this moment, which undoubtedly morphs into remorse.

I wasn’t going to post this, but maybe it’s important to share what this is like. To articulate… I often write things and not share it. It’s a tactic to not getting myself in trouble on social media. I tend to have momentary emotionally driven XYZ. But this isn’t directed at anyone, so perhaps an appropriate dissection. There is no secret I have bipolar disorder.

I don’t like people thinking of me as less capable, the look on someone’s face, acknowledgment of being ‘special’ makes me want to run circles around them, pummel them with insight, drop my body of creative work at their feet and ask “what have you done with your life?” In truth, wishing I could trade my gifts for… something I could never have. I’ve come to terms (more or less) that I am different than most. Depending on my state of mind, that could be a good thing.

I have names for the aspects of my personality I don’t like. Brad and Vic. When I’m in a mood, I can indulge it, which prolongs the phase. Brad is a bitch, who complains and deprecates himself. Sometimes I can be irritable. And Vic is a dick that starts arguments and wants to destroy what I’ve built. Neither is good company. When Brad and Vic get together, I can be a real asshole, so I try not to expose anyone to that part of me.

So I wait until it’s over, until I can interact with other humans. For right now, I’m going to continue to hang with Vic, that’s a dick and Brad, who’s a bitch. At least until I can get them to fucking leave.

Coffee From A Thermos • Mental Chillness

Coffee from a Thermos, live from The Neverland Ranch. Plans that Dan has for the future, streaming and strategy on DanVictorDoes.com. This is a catch-up on all of what has happened since moving to a new apartment. There is complete transparency in the process of building the brand. Analyzing podcasters techniques, like Bill Burr and Joe Rogan. Making some decisions. Building a platform for creative and mental advocacy.

Also Cobra Kai, which Bill Burr had plugged in his podcast, is an excellent series. I caught it first on Youtube Premium before it came on Netflix. So much can be said about Karate Kid follow-up becoming Bad Sensai just like Bad Santa with Billy Bob Thorton. Next generation is very fresh in twisting who the hero is, while not making anyone a villain. After all, the true villain is self-doubt.

Why I Advocate For Those Living With Mental Illness

It is extremely difficult to navigate the world when you have bipolar disorder. I spent my life trying to find a way to live. It can be be very frustrating to find proper treatment. So much is stacked against you. Even after courageously seeking help, getting a diagnosis, finding the right medication, realizing the system is flawed, doctors don’t have all the answers, care can be conditional, and family members may blame you… we continue to persevere.

My career has been in advertising, music and media, but I tried to hide my mental illness from my employers. I lost so many jobs because of my manic episodes. Most recently, I was the editor-in-chief at Popdust.com before my psychotic break. After calling 911 on myself, I was admitted into the psych ward of Beth Israel hospital in April 2019. For over 18 years I fought for my life while trying to appear normal. After this last hospitalization, I told myself, no more. I am officially ‘out’.

Since I can no longer hide, I would like to help those who suffer in silence. I believe there is a therapeutic value in sharing my experience. I want to fight the stigma associated with mental illness. I’m grateful to have an opportunity to use my gifts to help so many who feel alone. Together, there is hope.

Renew and Affirm • Daily Thoughts

A chance to begin again and affirm the beliefs that shape our experience. We live in the present, so our goals must begin presently. The past is over and the future is the unknown, events occur in the ‘now’ which is within 15 seconds of when it happens. We have power over what we pay attention to. I can spend that 15 seconds on nourishment or negativity, only one will feed me.

“It’s being here now that’s important. There’s no past and there’s no future. Time is a very misleading thing. All there is ever, is the now. We can gain experience from the past, but we can’t relive it; and we can hope for the future, but we don’t know if there is one.”
― George Harrison

Source of Frustration • Daily Thoughts

Water can taste bad, but I need it to survive. Does water even have a taste? I don’t like to buy it. I like it cold. I add lemon. I distract myself. I make the experience special. I choose to change my perception, so I don’t feel compelled to change what is out of my control.

Smoke detectors beeping are out of my control. The sharp sound really drives me up a wall. (Beep). Why do these little blips get under my skin? (Beep). Address the problem. Change the battery. (Beep). My irritation has derailed my focus, so I go on a rampage throughout the house to find the source of the noise. (Beep). Every time I hear the sound, it is a reminder. I must flip the script. Stop and breath. (Beep).

Am I required to do something or is it an annoyance to ignore? I must walk away or find a solution. (Beep). Internal strife and external distraction are both factors pointing back to me. Acceptance. Close the door. (Beep). Turn the music up. Let it be. (Beep). (Beep). (Beep).

Self-Discipline • Daily Thoughts

Advocate for your own well-being. We can train ourselves to be kinder. We are able to program ourselves for success. It may sound like hard work, but that is our mind talking. Our spirit will be thanking us. There is a resistance to change that occurs at first, but after a few days or weeks, we adapt. It’s an amazing human trait.

The first and best victory is to conquer self. – Plato

Once we get in the habit of putting challenges in front of us, the better we can deal with ones that are not by choice. It is this practice that gives us the confidence we need to acquire the ability to achieve. We provide evidence to our subconscious that is difficult for our minds to deny. These are baby steps to big change. Begin with making your bed in the morning, doing the dishes after meals, then you will be teaching yourself things beyond your wildest imagination. Imagine the possibilities.

Together We Stand • Daily Thoughts

( June 2nd, 2020 ) Peace, Love and Unity. Some might say that is idealistic. Others would argue that someone is to blame for our division. The distinction of subtle differences has often been amplified to create a separation between individuals that are more alike than not. We require oxygen to breath. We laugh when we find something amusing. We hold loved ones close when we are affectionate or need comfort when we are sad. All very human traits. Then why do people find it so difficult to unify humanity for a common good?

There is no Us and Them, there is only We. And we are part of a greater whole, which must function as one in order to thrive.

In many ways our society has advanced, but so much remains the same as it has for centuries. Is it in our nature to always be so conflicted? Maybe we are really at odds with ourselves, and project that internal struggle onto others. The more I consider our current situation, I believe healing must begin with a willingness to listen. When we feel that we have been heard and a genuine effort to understand us has been made, mutual consideration can occur, perspectives can change. However, that process can not be accomplished alone.

It is possible to make morality a priority and encourage compassion for every human being. But there are corporations that capitalize on oppression. There are powerful establishments that stimulate confusion for their own gain. Our government has intentionally divided us to make our population more manageable. There is no question that we must work together, as a civil society, to progress past these obstacles. There is no Us and Them, there is only We. And we are part of a greater whole, which must function as one in order to thrive.

When we seek to understand someone else, we can gain a better understanding of ourself. Our diverse culture is filled with so many lovely individuals, all deserving of being treated fairly, no matter who we are or where we come from. Kindness must become a priority. The people of this world are more powerful than its governing bodies. Our numbers are vast. Imagine what we could accomplish if we knew what we really wanted. Because there has to be more that we desire than just an absence of pain. Perhaps we can solve that mystery together, once we begin to heal the suffering that has been endured entirely too long.

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Doing Nothing Is Really Something • Daily Thoughts

( May 28th, 2020 ) If you refuse to choose, it is still a choice. That doesn’t necessary mean it is a failure to act. Doing nothing can be an effective way to focus your intention. Sometimes, a hard reset to reassess the situation can lend perspective. A tactful technique to step away from a conversation is excusing yourself to use the bathroom. Try it out next time your conversation is going nowhere fast.

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Structure • Daily Thoughts

( May 27th, 2020 ) – Today I started a new ritual. I will be going live every day at noon to share what’s going on with me and some meditations on current events. It will be a practice that will keep me focused as a part of my schedule. I also began rehearsing my songs every day at the same time to build up my finger strength and get my voice back in shape.

In this video I discuss how anxiety can keep you from moving forward. It has kept me from completing tasks I am very capable of doing. Structuring my day helps me move forward without wondering what to do next. Habits can be a good thing, especially if it is beneficial to your well being.

Some advice on mindfulness… try being with yourself for a moment of silence, in the moment, letting thoughts drift without holding on to them. Listen to the fan or your breathing. Then go back to your day.

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Guitar Layered Inspiration • Mental Chillness

Passion over Problems. Putting myself into making music has resolved so many issues for me. It has taken me out of the paralysis of over-thinking how to fix something going wrong that is overwhelming at the time. Once I have done something that fulfills me, I come back to the problem with a different state of mind. Getting my head right is key to resolution. Your passion is powerful.