It is extremely difficult to navigate the world when you have bipolar disorder. I spent my life trying to find a way to live. It can be be very frustrating to find proper treatment. So much is stacked against you. Even after courageously seeking help, getting a diagnosis, finding the right medication, realizing the system is flawed, doctors don’t have all the answers, care can be conditional, and family members may blame you… we continue to persevere.
My career has been in advertising, music and media, but I tried to hide my mental illness from my employers. I lost so many jobs because of my manic episodes. Most recently, I was the editor-in-chief at Popdust.com before my psychotic break. After calling 911 on myself, I was admitted into the psych ward of Beth Israel hospital in April 2019. For over 18 years I fought for my life while trying to appear normal. After this last hospitalization, I told myself, no more. I am officially ‘out’.
Since I can no longer hide, I would like to help those who suffer in silence. I believe there is a therapeutic value in sharing my experience. I want to fight the stigma associated with mental illness. I’m grateful to have an opportunity to use my gifts to help so many who feel alone. Together, there is hope.
Passion over Problems. Putting myself into making music has resolved so many issues for me. It has taken me out of the paralysis of over-thinking how to fix something going wrong that is overwhelming at the time. Once I have done something that fulfills me, I come back to the problem with a different state of mind. Getting my head right is key to resolution. Your passion is powerful.
Friday, April 10th, will be a year since I was admitted into the Phyc ward of Beth Israel. It’s been quite year and I’m definitely better than I was then, but feeling some kind of way about it. Instead of letting it get the better of me, I decided to perform Ductape Halo acoustic on the anniversary.
In the wake of all this noise in the world, I am reclaiming something I lost long before last year. I forgot about the voice, talent, and passion for music within me. I put it in a drawer and filed it away. Self-doubt has stolen precious time. So, before any more time gets away from me, I’m going to perform all the hits and more.
Songwriting and recording has been cathartic in dealing with mental illness, joy and pain. Music was the answer God gave me when I asked him for a reason to live 20 years ago. He was not wrong. It has been such a gift, I share with many of you.