It’s not sadness, it’s an emptiness, lack of enthusiasm (what’s the point) bullshit, adverse to doing anything to make it better. Wanting to tell the world, it’s a trap. Not interested in struggling, with my physical manifestations absent, I hope to wake up different. I’m annoyed with myself. Actively bored with myself. Waiting it out. Not wanting to interact. Then saying something requires responding, which I really don’t want to do. So what is this?? A message in a bottle?
Bed is a sanctuary, an island, a vacation from dealing with intangible eventualities. It is depression’s nature (yes a personification) to be this way, it’s important I don’t forget. That it’s also my nature, that can be so frustrating to people around me, although I don’t really care in this moment, which undoubtedly morphs into remorse.
I wasn’t going to post this, but maybe it’s important to share what this is like. To articulate… I often write things and not share it. It’s a tactic to not getting myself in trouble on social media. I tend to have momentary emotionally driven XYZ. But this isn’t directed at anyone, so perhaps an appropriate dissection. There is no secret I have bipolar disorder.
I don’t like people thinking of me as less capable, the look on someone’s face, acknowledgment of being ‘special’ makes me want to run circles around them, pummel them with insight, drop my body of creative work at their feet and ask “what have you done with your life?” In truth, wishing I could trade my gifts for… something I could never have. I’ve come to terms (more or less) that I am different than most. Depending on my state of mind, that could be a good thing.
I have names for the aspects of my personality I don’t like. Brad and Vic. When I’m in a mood, I can indulge it, which prolongs the phase. Brad is a bitch, who complains and deprecates himself. Sometimes I can be irritable. And Vic is a dick that starts arguments and wants to destroy what I’ve built. Neither is good company. When Brad and Vic get together, I can be a real asshole, so I try not to expose anyone to that part of me.
So I wait until it’s over, until I can interact with other humans. For right now, I’m going to continue to hang with Vic, that’s a dick and Brad, who’s a bitch. At least until I can get them to fucking leave.